THE DAYZ OF WAYBACK

When returning to New Hampshire, it's important to bring things that will remind you that you are, in fact, more awesome than your shitty surroundings. This can be done a few ways: wearing interesting shirts that will confuse New Englanders, rooting for out-of-state sports teams even if you don't give a shit about sports, or filling your shoebox (dorm room) with fascinating items.

The following is a running list of the important things I'll be bringing from Buffalo:

- duck decoy
- golden bust of a ram
- secret box made out of an old book that wasn't good enough to sell or read
- collection of old keys
- collection of old VHS tapes
- collection of old fishing tackle
- three Jack Daniels boxes of books
- external hard drive full of Whose Line is it Anyway episodes and porn
- glass horse
- set of five small mason jars filled with, respectively, plastic dinosaurs, loose change, screws, Scrabble tiles, cowboys and Indians
- one large mason jar full of toy soldiers
- Waterworld comic books
- Metallica concert handbills from 1982
- one half of a walkie-talkie set
- set of untranslated Thomas Mann books
- recipe for pancakes
- Netflix subscription
- one fish
- cactus
- pliers, screwdrivers, hammer, wrenches of varying size
- assorted empty pill bottles
- clay turds

ALWAYZ INTO SOMETHIN

When thinking about packing for college stresses you out, play outside - chase bumblebees, harass centipedes, and try to forget that everything in New Hampshitshire is just a little bit worse.

IF IT A'INT RUFF

I was browsing Robert Mendolia's editorial portfolio a little while ago, and found the following photo:


After my initial thoughts - that guy's a megahottie; that guy's a lefty; that's a stupid tattoo - I spotted the "key chain" the megahottie's wearing. How kickass is that? It looks like just a wallet chain with a lot of keys on it, which I could so totally make. All I need is a lot of keys. Maybe thirty? Forty? Too bad it turns out old keys are ridiculously expensive.

There's a lot on eBay of almost three hundred keys for less than $50, which is a really great deal, and I always hate myself for passing up a really great deal, but I don't exactly have fifty bucks laying around. So I'll probably just pick up smaller lots on Etsy and call it a day.

EDIT: Done. Now I've forty keys coming to me from mysunshinevintage, and it only cost me $15. Now all I've got to do is find that wallet chain I thought I'd never use.

GANGSTA GANGSTA

Spent the whole day taking naps and watching Discovery. First, a mini-marathon of Verminators -- which might just be my new favorite show, at least until Dirty Jobs comes on -- and then a few episodes of Wild Discovery all about poisonous creatures. One of them was called "Venom: 9 Ways to Die." The venom specialist was a megahottie, but now I'm worried that the mosquito bite on my arm is actually from a White-Tailed spider and my skin will start to melt off.
Also, I worried so much about heart attacks last night that I took a bottle of Aspirin up to my room with me. Just in case.


My top-secret jerk-off project is coming along very slowly. Like shitting after a cheese binge slow. I work on it whenever I'm watching TV, but it takes me about an hour to do each letter (which is completely ridiculous), so I am already making plans to work on it at school. Keeps me busy, at least. Burning maybe five calories every three days.

At least my shirt from StockBoyDesigns arrived promptly. It's just as kickass as it was in the picture, and fits (fyi, that's not tie-dye; I'm no hippie). I've already washed it, and am waiting for an occasion to wear it out that's more interesting than lunch with my grandmother.

Still waiting for my dinosaur journal to come from ChristineRenee. I ordered it on the 31st, so I'm starting to worry. It was going to be my recipe notebook. Maybe it's like my copy of Buddenbrooks that was lost in the mail for a month because the USPS was too busy looking for its prostate to bother.

SHE SWALLOWED IT

I really wanted ice cream, but we didn't have eggs or cream, and I wasn't in the mood to cook up a curd, let it rest for twenty-four hours, all that crap. So I experimented, and found a real winner.


GATHER THIS CRAP
1 can of sweetened, condensed milk
1-cup of milk (I used 2%)
3-tsp Dutch process cocoa powder
a little hot water
a splash of vanilla (if you want)
+ uh, an ice cream maker

Okay, just dump both milks into a bowl. Then dissolve your cocoa powder in a little bit of hot water - just until it becomes smooth, easier to pour and mix. Add it to the milks, and mix by hand until blended. Add some vanilla if you want. Then, just shove it into the ice cream maker, and in an hour or so, you're good to go! Get that shit into a bowl-with-a-lid, and shove it into the freezer until it's set. Probably another hour. Or less, if you've got a major jones.

Now, since this is a pretty ghetto method, your ice cream obviously won't be as rich and satisfying as regular ice cream (it's better for you? kickass?) - and it also won't have regular ice cream's melting point: yours will melt very quickly, so once you get it out of the ICM, you're going to have to speed it the hell up to get it into your freezer-safe bowl before it melts and makes you sad. And try and use the highest-quality cocoa powder you can possibly find (Scharffen Berger for me), so there's at least something high-qual in there.

FINDUM, FUCKUM, AND FLEE

Couldn't sleep, so I just said "fuck it" and made some eggs. Using Gordon Ramsay's technique, which consists of just dropping the eggs into the pan without pre-mixing, then stirring them constantly, risotto-style, while taking them on and off the heat. No seasonings are added beforehand; you just chuck in "a nob" of unsalted butter. It's something of a labor-intensive process (especially for the morning) but they cook up quickly, and are perfect with just a little salt and pepper. Here's the video, if anyone gives a shit. Fuckin' eggs. They look like so little in the bowl, but by the time you're halfway through, your colon's already emptying spontaneously just to make room. Have you heard? (Do you care? You should.) "Death Magnetic" comes out on September 12. I, of course, am prepared to think it's hot shit even if it's just regular shit, since I support James Hetfield in all his endeavors - but if it is shit, I'm going to look really bad in front of my friends and have a lot of explaining to do. The sample on their MySpace isn't terrible, so maybe there's hope. The Nuge was on No Reservations last night. I kept waiting for him to make out with Bourdain. I would've so been able to rub one out to that. Things I'm working on now: assault rifle greeting cards, Nugent trophy buck portrait, Andrew WK bloody nose.

DUNK THE FUNK

Anna made me do it. Watch out for porno reviews.